Life of Fly

Being a fly sucks, no joke. I’m pretty sure it’s one of the worst things you could possibly be and I’ve been at least 600 different species. You might think I’m being dramatic, oh it can’t be that much worse than being an ant. Bullshit. You know what ants have? Each other. They basically all share a brain for Christ’s sake. But flies? Flies don’t have shit. Wait, actually that’s pretty much all we do have. It’s like a nonstop shit fest. But honestly, that’s not so bad. I love shit, oh my god do I love shit. It’s like, the best thing I can even think of. I’m thinking about shit right now, but that could be cause I’m standing in shit right now. Could be squirrel shit, might even be raccoon, honestly I don’t even care. Shit is shit and I love shit.

Anyways, When you’re a fly everybody hates you, even the other bugs. And who could blame them, we suck. I even annoy myself. I can’t stop thinking, I can’t stop moving, I can’t stop talking, it’s torture. Plus everything around me moves like it’s underwater or something, it's like I'm trapped at goddamn hyper-speed. I've only been alive 12 days and it feels like an eternity. Do you have any idea how boring it is to watch an apple fall from a tree for 40 minutes? Of course you don’t, you’re not even alive, you’re just a piece of corn. That’s how bored I am. 

Damn I miss being a tortoise, that was great. Weeks were like days. And tortoises, they don't give a shit about anything man. Seriously, one time a jackal ripped my cousins head right out of his shell about 8 feet in front of me and I couldn't care less. I think I even forgot about it like 10 minutes later. I swear that was the best life ever. I never had anywhere to go, I had plants to eat wherever I went, I had a sick shell, life was good. Honestly, if I could choose, I would choose tortoise 10 times out of 10. Because tortoises, are fucking dope.

Not like flies, flies fucking suck. It’s like everywhere I go people are trying to kill me. Not just people actually, everything.

Everything is trying to kill me, all of the time. It stresses me out.

But that’s not even the worst thing about being a fly, not even close. No, the thing that makes being a fly uniquely terrible is that when you’re a fly, you remember everything. And I mean everything.

Every single thing. 

Every moment of every life you’ve ever lived.

The good ones, the bad ones, every lie, every laugh, every heartbreak, every nose pick and every death. And as you might be able to figure, dying sucks. 

I’ve died more times than you can imagine. I’ve been squashed, eaten, shot, burned, trampled, decapitated twice, I’ve overdosed on 17 different drugs, including nutmeg. One time a guy stepped on my shoelace and I tripped eyeball first onto a fire hydrant. Weirdly enough, it was the exact same fire hydrant I used to take a piss on when I was a German Schnauzer named Hank two lives before that one. Anyway, keep your shoes tied is the moral of that story I guess.

When you die, time stops working the same way. In fact, when you die, time stops working altogether. Time is only useful to things that are alive, it’s like a tool used to measure existence, and when you die you no longer exist. At least not in the same way you did when you were living. I know that sounds like a bunch of hippie dippie bullshit, I can’t even fully grasp it. All I know is that you can exist at any time as anybody.

Even as your own neighbor, fucking your own wife behind your own back. Which yes, has happened to me.

Most of my lives have been comparably short, and none of them have been particularly interesting. I’d say a good 40% of my lives have been human, and for most of them I’ve never been anyone cool or noteworthy or even remotely rich. Pretty much all of my 70+ marriages have ended in shambles. Hell, just a few days ago I bumped into another fly who fucked my wife 4 lives back. Turns out he’s a great guy, I can see why she left me for him, I wasn’t exactly very providing or attentive.

Every time I’m a predator I end up starving to death or eaten because I’m just absolute garbage at it. I’m just not a killer, I suck at killing, I can’t do it. In fact, the only things I have killed, in all of my 2,304 lives, have been bugs.

Because fuck bugs, and I’m a bug so I can say that.

Anyway yeah that’s the jist of my current existence, right now I’m just chilling on this shit pile waiting for my friends Barry and Dave to get here.

Barry is the coolest, man. He was Tony Robbins and Oprah Winfrey at two different points if you can believe that. He always says, don’t let your past lives dictate your current one, what a guy.

 My other friend Dave on the other hand is a serious idiot, like he might actually be the single dumbest consciousnesses on earth. He’s died by falling asleep with a lit cigarette over 30 different times, he’s confused bleach with mouthwash and somehow couldn’t tell the difference until it was too late, he’s even fallen down sewer holes. At one point he was a seagull who got sucked into a jet engine and ended up killing over 200 people, including me by the way, in one of the few lives that I was actually enjoying. Honestly I don’t even know why I’m friends with him, but I can’t imagine I’m that great to be around either so whatever. 

I’m really not sure how many total consciousnesses there are out there, could be a hundred, could be a billion, It could even be five or it could even be one. Imagine that, one consciousness floating around from being to being, slowly but surely living every life ever lived...

Sounds like a goddamn nightmare.

Honestly, I hope it’s all over soon, this whole thing. The true blessing is, hopefully, once I’m done with this life, I can go back to not remembering. Happy and content in my blissful ignorance. Not much unlike you, my new corn friend.

Wow, I could have sworn it was sunny out like two seconds ago, what the he-. Oh god damn it. Guess I’ve been talking so much I didn’t notice the shiny blue Nike slowly making its way into our shit pile. Might’ve had a shot if I’d noticed a half second earlier.

Shit.

Well, I guess this is what I wanted, right? Still, being squashed is just the worst, it really sucks. Oh well, at least I get to die covered in shit.

The funny thing is, I remember a day about 12 lives back when I got squirrel shit on my brand new blue Nikes.

God is an asshole.

Squish.