Sociopocalypse

Part One

We all knew this day would come, though I don't think many thought it would be in this particular lifetime. The end of the world, there was no way around it. The president had a particular look on this face, a look that could only be described as 40% uncertainty and 59% unjustified confidence. Where usually a man in his position would speak of hope, it seemed this was not the time for such a message. This was a time for acceptance, a time to come to terms with the lives we had lived, as we would not have the chance to continue living them for too much longer.  

“I'm gonna give it to you straight, folks.” said the digital projection of the man my father had once referred to as ‘our best option’.

“It seems that life as we know it on this earth, is unfortunately coming to its end.”

I looked up at my father, who for the first time I had ever seen him, was speechless.

“Forgive my abrupt delivery of this information, as I’m sure this is probably quite inconvenient for many of you.”

“Inconvenient?!”, The poor choice of words broke my father’s stunned gaze.

“It seems as if we could not beat the Gaflorpians at the agreed upon game of Yahtzee.” Continued the president.

“That son of a bitch.” seethed my father

“I’m not sure what to tell you, folks.  I really thought I could beat him, I mean, the fucker didn’t even know what a full house was.”

Outside the apartment I could hear all of the classic apocalypse sounds beginning to arise. A car crash in the distance, surrounded by angry honks and terrified screams. 

“I can’t believe I voted for that mother fucker.” muttered my old man, as he grabbed his suitcase and started stuffing the contents of our cupboard and inside of it. 

“Honestly guys, I’ve never lost a game before. This is actually pretty embarrassing for me, believe it or not.”

The sounds of the apocalypse had now grown quite loud, the TV was on full blast but I still had to nudge myself within six inches of the screen in order to hear what the man had to say, not that it much mattered at this point.

“Looking back on it,” said the president as he chuckled to himself, “The Gaflorpians offer did seem too good to be true. I mean, could you imagine if I would have won? Free hammocks for everybody, now that’s a comfort you can’t find just anywhere folk-“

It was at this second that the power stopped running, at least in our apartment. 

I looked over at my father. He had now grabbed his revolver from the safe and was loading it with bullets, shoving the leftover ones in the front pocket of his Tommy Bahama shirt. His curly hair was soaked in sweat, he normally was a profuse sweater, but now he was sprinkler esque. He seemed to be more irritated with the situation than scared, which was in perfect character for him.

I knew I was supposed to be scared, I had seen scenarios similar to this play out in several different movies and TV shows, but I wasn’t. Normal human emotions were something I had rarely felt in the 13 years that I’d lived. The closest thing I had ever felt to fear was a lingering feeling of dread that I had two years ago when I noticed there were only two Swedish Fish left in the box of candy I was eating. Sometimes I pitied myself for not having normal human emotions, this was not one of those times. 

In fact I was quite pleased that the world would meet its end on this day, it was a whole lot of pressure off of my shoulders. I’m not sure if you remember what it’s like being metaphorically depicted as a ball of living potential, but I assure you it can grow to be quite nerve racking. I found a unique solace in the fact that I was never going to disappoint anybody. I would never have to worry about the awkwardness of puberty, the pain of rejection or heartbreak, or the hopelessness of not knowing how I was going to make it through the next week. Many people had driven themselves nuts worrying about how they were going to meet their demise, here I was one of the lucky few who got to know exactly when, how and why it would happen.

It was at this particular moment of introspection that a Porsche quite rudely found its way through our wall and into the middle of our living room, which I found to be somewhat odd considering that Porsche's typically require drivers in order to function. Not this Porsche I suppose.

Our living room wall had done surprisingly little damage to the luxury automobile, which considering the low cost of our rent, made a certain amount of sense to me. The car’s hazard lights flashed on and off, almost in a beckoning manner, inviting us to take it on a ride.

I looked over at my father, who looked back at me, we shared a brief second of mutual contemplation before he said,

“Hop in.”

Part Two

“That mother fucker.” seethed my old man as he swerved, barely grazing a bible quoting homeless man standing in the middle of the road.

“Yahtzee?!?!” He screamed at the dashboard.

“It’s a game of chance for Christ’s sake! Why not Checkers or anything else?”

“He’s probably not good at Checkers.” I replied half heartedly while staring out of the car window. There was a man who had lit himself on fire for some reason or another and was running down the street, leaving a trail of blazing footprints in his path, I chuckled to myself and shook my head in trivial disapproval.

“Yeah well that doesn’t fucking surprise me.” replied my father as he floored the gas pedal, barely escaping the path of a large train speeding in on a pathway perpendicular to ours. 

The train was covered in what seemed to be the inner workings of former people. I recognized the wristwatch of an arm that flapped against the side of the locomotive as it sped past behind us. Mr. Flanagan, my grammar school gym teacher, a generally kind man who had always given me the benefit of the doubt. I thought to myself, at least it was quick.

But I didn’t have much time to think about it as when I turned around all that I could think about was the crowd of naked men and women standing in the middle of the field on my right, all with their arms and faces pointed directly up at the sky. Three of the women held a giant sign thanking and welcoming the Gaflorpians.

It was apparent to me that the well being and safety of others was no longer the priority of our fellow men and women. It was true anarchy. Society was crumbling and the world hadn’t even begun to end yet. I took a second to take in and really appreciate the experience. I mean, after all, how often does one get to witness the collapse of humanity with their bare eyes. I didn’t get much time to appreciate it though, as the trajectory of our vehicle was abruptly and violently stopped by the passing of a naive bear.

Unfortunately the trajectory of my father was hardly affected by the abrupt stop, as he never had been a fan of seat belts and certainly wasn’t about to start wearing one on the day of the apocalypse. I stared at his now mangled corpse which sat peacefully about six yards in front of the newly accordioned Porsche.

The bear was surprisingly unaffected by the impact. It got up, shook off its head in confusion, and continued on its way. 

The sun was now setting, I had been in the destroyed Porsche for upwards of an hour as my legs were pinned in between my seat and what once was a very nice dashboard. The accident had done nothing but reaffirm my welcoming of the apocalypse. I did not mourn for my father, as doing so only seemed like a waste of energy at this point. At this point, the only thing I could think to do was turn on the last working part of the vehicle and enjoy the end of the world to some background music.

But there was no music.

Instead came the bumbling voice of the man who got us all into this mess.

“Alright folks, now bare with me.” 

Oh god.  I thought to myself.

“There’s a slight chance I may have misunderstood the terms of our contract with Mr. Gaflorpian here.”

I felt a lump in my throat.

“Turns out all they want is a gallon and a half of Fiji water and a large tub of Vicks Vaporub. Weird, I know, but the good news is, for the meantime, it seems as if the earth is going to remain undestroyed.”

I hung my head in complete despair, it was the first time I had ever felt anything true. I was devastated. It was at this, my lowest possible moment, that I heard a familiar groan. It was my dad, six yards ahead, body shattered to pieces. He called out to me in pain, barely able to utter words.

It took every ounce of effort to free myself from in between the two pieces of car. More effort than I've ever given anything, now that I think about it. I dragged myself, along with my useless legs, six of the longest yards I'd ever traveled. It took about 12 minutes but I made it all the way to my father's almost corpse. 

He laid there weezing, I propped my head on his chest and looked up at him, the sun was completely gone now, the only light coming from an abnormally full moon.

“Well this sucks.” he chuckled.

“Yeah.” I said back.

“Well…” he smiled “at least it'll all be over soon, right?”

I thought for a second, a tear came to my eye.

“Yeah dad,” I sniffled…

“for sure.”