The Shroomagoober

In the deepest darkest crevice

Lives an ugly little creature.

With a sluggish body, boney arms 

And man like facial features.

It's tiny arms have tiny hands

That hoists it up so it can stand.

The smell it leaves 

Will weaken knees

Of any scent remover.

It doesn’t come 

For fun or play,

In fact it might just ruin your day,

Turn happiness to pure dismay,

It’s called The Shroomagoober.

The Shroomagoober goobs and gobs 

With mucus from its tiny blobs.

Leaving trails 

Of ooze and slob 

Right on your favorite sneakers.

It’s crude and loud,

But shrewd and proud. 

Couldn’t miss it in a crowd, 

But you won’t find it just around,

No- 

It’s a special creature.

There’s truly nothing like this thing, 

Unique in its uniqueness.

Uniquely indescribable,

With not a single weakness.

It doesn’t take directions, 

And there's nothing that can stop it.

And our money’s of no use to it 

Because it has no pockets.

But The Shroomagoober

Doesn’t take your kids

Or eat your soul,

And it doesn’t grant you wishes 

Or turn copper into gold.

It has no special powers,

Just a perfect intuition.

No teeth, no claws,

Just stink, and flaws

That could handicap beauticians.

But you see, What makes The Goober goofy

Isn’t goofy looks alone.

What makes The Goober special 

Is the light in which it’s shown.

One could search the cracks 

And crevices,

But still would never find him.

As this creature only shows itself

To those on psilocybin.

You may rub your eyes upon first sight

Think “I don’t think I’m seeing right,

Maybe that was just the light.”

But make no doubt about it.

The Shroomagoober’s here to stay,

And like I said, he’ll ruin your day.

Determined and not one to sway,

His motives are unclouded.

He’ll sludge in leaving trails of goo,

Resembling purple dye.

Plop itself right next to you,

And look you in the eye.

Your buddy Dave won’t see him,

He’ll be having too much fun.

And he won’t hear the wicked words

That leave The Goober’s gums.

“Remember Patty Davis?” 

Says the Goober with a sneer.

 "8th grade trigonometry."

It whispers in your ear.

"You pooped your pants in front of her,

That must have really sucked."

Heart starts pumping, face gets red,

A knot forms in your gut.

"You okay?" Says buddy Dave 

Who's tripping, just like you.

You take a breath and chuckle,

"I'm alright, Just need to poo"

"I think Dave might like your girl,

You've seen the way he stares.

I wonder if she likes him back, 

Whatever, you don't care."

You turn the music up a notch,

Drink some water,

Itch your crotch,

Let The Goober sit and watch,

Annoyed but not dissuaded.

The Goober’s got no place to be,

No wife at home,

No friends to see,

Spends all his time with you and me,

It’s fully captivated.

See, The Goober knows your darkest dreams 

And everything about you.

For it hungers on your constant thought 

And could not live without you.

Obsessed with digging deep

And finding out what makes you queasy,

Utilizing insecurities,

It lives for the uneasy.

You roll your eyes, 

You’re sunny skies

And nothing can upset you.

But The Shroomagoober loves a test,

He’ll find a way to get you.

“How’s your Dad?” The Goober asks,

That greasy little bastard.

“Maybe you should call him up

Before he’s in a casket”

And that was it, 

The little shit

Said just the perfect thing.

Background noises fade away,

Your demons start to sing.

Feel the sweat drip down your snout.

Emotions flipping inside out, 

From gleefulness to fear and doubt;

Sensations you could do without.

Your ash has grown 2 inches long,

Your cig is steady burning.

Your shoulders are all tightened up,

Your trip is quickly turning.

Hook and sinker, struck a chord.

The Goober got inside your gourd.

Sinking deeper through the floor,

Regretful and pathetic.

A gummy smile spreads across

It’s pimple covered facial gloss.

For he has won

And you have lost,

His version of athletics.

The Shroomagoober’s plan succeeded, 

Got exactly what he needed.

Smiling while you lie defeated,

Teardrops in your gaze.

The Goober rubs its hands together, 

"Ooh some teardrops?

Even better!"

Licks the sadness off your sweater.

“What a splendid day!”

But then a song comes on the box.

A song you love,

A song that rocks.

You tell yourself,

“Not all is lost,

There’s happiness to be.”

“I’m still young, I’ll take missteps.

Nobody’s ALWAYS at their best.

But living life 

Led by regret

Is not the life for me.”

Dave says something,

Makes you chuckle.

You sit back and crack your knuckles,

Laughing at this whole kerfuffle

And all the night’s maneuvers.

The next day comes,

And now you’re glad.

Your mind is clear,

You’re feelin’ rad.

It’s been four years,

Just called your dad.

God bless The Shroomagoober.